My wack wedding

At risk of totally guaranteeing a total guilt trip from myself down the road, I’m inspired today to write about the very weird ways in which I hope to do my wedding (if I do indeed eventually marry in the next 1-152 yr).  What inspired this?  Did I watch Four Weddings and a Funeral?  Was I checking out bridal gown magazines?  Am I just one of those ring-obsessed women?  It actually came to me quite unexpectedly (in the last five minutes), browsing the World Vision web site, of all things.  There was an article about one couple’s honeymoon with the poor of the Democratic Republic of Congo, and it took me back to a recent conversation with my roomie Tiffany that essentially amounted to, “I want a weird wedding.”  This is my first time making a lot of this public (and nothing’s set in stone), but prepare to feel inspired… or sorry for me because there probably aren’t a lot of men that will get into this.  (Even more difficult: convincing his mom.)

Let the fun begin!

Idea #1: A Service-Learning Honeymoon
Since the article is what inspired this, If one of us happens to be a social worker or environmental activist, this might not be the best idea.  I definitely want some quality sabbath.  However, hours at the beach, quite frankly, really bore me.  I’d love to go somewhere–anywhere–and really take time to see both touristy and non-touristy places and learn about the history, the culture, the problems, the delights, etc. of that area.  Whether or not we actually “do” something to serve the people there, I’d be sure we go as people and not just consumers.

Alternatively, we could save the money and take some time off from work and stay home–if being married is so exciting the first few weeks anyway, why do you need to add extra fireworks by going to an exotic location?  Let’s save that for when we’re sick of each other and some extra spice.  Or save it for the kids’ college (or an extra degree down the road… or the next time our economy collapses…) or give the money to something worthwhile.  And why have special memories in the Dominican Republic that we could have in the space we live and breath every day?  Who knows.  I’m open.  I don’t think we’re bad people if we decide to go to France, but I’m open to considering non-traditional options.

Idea #2: No engagement ring
I don’t think they’re sexist, per se, but as a feminist, I’m just not into them.  And there are all those conflict diamond issues.  If anyone ever buys me a diamond, it had better be one of those super-certified-conflict-free types.  But I don’t need a diamond ring.  I just don’t.  (And given that I so strongly don’t want one, I would actually probably turn down a man that offered me one, because he obviously doesn’t know me well enough to marry me!)

Idea #3: A Green Reception
I just don’t feel good about having all kinds of paper and plastic being used once and thrown away.  I’m all in favors of green picnics, potlucks, etc., so why should I be hypocritical when it comes to my wedding?  What will this mean?  At its most normal, it would mean we use a caterer that uses all real dishes, glasses, etc.  At its most extreme, it might mean we ask people to bring their own dishes–regular, casual, whatever dishes–and also commit to “sponsoring” out-of-towners that won’t have their own easily accessible.  I actually really like that idea, not only for the environmental reason, but also because it forces people to depend on each other rather than our just doing what’s convenient.  It makes the wedding more of a real community-building event.

Idea #3: Not-so-expensive clothes
As I’ve watched friends be bridesmaids, I’ve wondered, why the heck do we spend so much (and make our friends spend so much) on weddings?  I’m not judging anyone that wants a more traditional wedding, but I just feel there are so many important things in the world that need our money.  So there are several options: cheap stuff (relatively speaking).  Or even more interesting, why does everyone need to match?  Why can’t people wear things they already have?  Why can’t I just wear something from our first date or a special night?  Not only does wearing things you already have save money, resources, etc., but it also means your wedding is connected with you, your memories as a couple, as a community.  And there’s no trouble trying to find bridesmaid dresses that fit everyone’s bodies and budget.

Idea #4: Really yummy food
So everyone wants yummy food–that’s not so countercultural.  But I guess I figure my food choices are a bit less traditional for your average white American…  I would much rather have nammura or mango with sticky rice than traditional wedding cake.  And I’m much rather have lemongrass tofu and chicken curry and quiche and baked brie with figs than whatever most people eat at weddings.  I know I need to consider that Kate Jessups of the world (so maybe we’ll also have bagels with Munster cheese), but at my wedding, I want to have the kind of food that I actually make a habit of eating, the kind of food that feels like home.  Soymilk and coconut-something are both musts.  Yes, soymilk at a wedding.  We’ll have something for everyone, though.  (Though I don’t know that we’ll serve any kind of soda–I think I’m morally opposed.  Unless it’s Mexican soda.  And Diet Coke for Kate so she doesn’t go through withdrawal.)

Idea #5: Gifts to others
If there are things we need, great.  Let’s ask for them.  But there are certain things people just don’t need that they receive at weddings, even things they’ve put on their registry.  The fact is, we were both living before we got married.  Don’t we already have a few towels?  Don’t we have anything for the kitchen?  Maybe we could use a bit of help, but where we already own something, there’s no need to get something new and “better.”  Instead, it’d be nice to essentially have a “registry”-type system for giving to one of a few meaningful causes.  I’d love to use orgs that one of us has a special connection with (ex: InterVarsity) or something that relates to marriage in some vague way (Christians for Biblical Equality, a domestic violence shelter, or perhaps the option of buying someone out of sex slavery through International Justice Mission or World Vision–because as weird and unrelated as it sounds, if you think about it, being able to have sex when you want with the person you want is a blessing not everyone has, even in the U.S., where rape, abuse, and trafficking definitely happen).  I don’t want a wedding that’s all roses, and I’m not really afraid of bringing these things up.

Idea #6: Multiculturalism
This is not to say that various traditions must be integrated in cheesey ways.  I just don’t want it to feel so exclusively white.  Because that would make me sad.  And I shouldn’t be sad on my wedding day, right?  We’ll see what this actually ends up meaning.  If nothing else, music for the reception has got to be pretty eclectic.

I could make up some more if I were trying to be really radical.  I could also live without doing all of these.  The important thing to me is to take nothing for granted.  Again, we have such privilege.  Culture isn’t bad; it’s good.  Our wedding expectations are just a part of culture.  But sometimes opting out of culture is ok, too.  We can create new ways of doing things that do a better job honoring the humanity in ourselves and others.

I also need to have the right wedding pictures to convince my kids that I’m a true liberal.  :-P  Even if they think I’m a just crazy hippie, they gotta respect that, right?

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6 Comments

Filed under Marriage, Random Thoughts, Weddings

6 responses to “My wack wedding

  1. Kate

    While I was delighted to receive a couple of questionable shout-outs in your blog and interested to read your thoughts about weddings, I was a little surprised you didn’t mention anything about what you might change about the actual wedding ceremony itself (since we’d talked about it before). I don’t know for sure what I would change, but I will be interested to see what you decide.

  2. ashrebg

    I actually don’t remember what all I listed before (but I’m sure I could think of some more…). I think my reason for concentrating on these issues in particular is that, in a sense, you can only change so much in a wedding. While you can theoretically do whatever you want, the people coming can only handle so much without thinking I’m a snot that has rejected my culture, or worse–them! After all, most of them probably prefer more traditional weddings, which means that a grand departure from the norm is, in some ways, an insult to their choice. I think it’s possible to change so much in a wedding that it’s not just interesting or countercultural but preachy–and who wants to go to a preachy wedding?

    My opinion, then, is that the most important parts of the ceremony to change are the money ones, because what’s said is, in a sense, highly irrelevant in the long run. Money says a lot about your priorities, and as long as I don’t walk down the aisle to my husband (that is something I’d change that I forgot to mention in this post) or agree to “obey” him, I think I can deal with most of the rest of the ceremony. Plus, I have to consider the importance of liturgy and tradition, right? ;o)

    So I’m slower to change ceremonial content than I am what we wear. But if I were to do so… One thing that might be necessary, really, haha, is for us to explain a few of the elements of the wedding. Again, there’s the risk of sounding preachy, but that must be balanced with the risk of leaving people confused.

    Something else of note: I really don’t know that my dad will pay for this. If he doesn’t, he most definitely isn’t invited. “Oh, I can, let’s see… maybe give you $250?” *rolls eyes*

    Hey, so what were some of the things I said before that I might change in the ceremony itself?

    I also forgot to mention invitations and how I definitely am not going to send out any extra paper (those interior envelopes, etc.). Peggy Post is going to kill me.

  3. Diane

    One of my friends recently got engaged: she proposed to HIM in a very public place (he had always wanted to be proposed to; she had always wanted to do the proposing) and then they BOTH got “engagement rings” that a friend made for them by flattening a quarter and hollowing out the middle. They’re cute and still legible on the inside of the rings you can read the words, “In God We Trust.” But I don’t know what you do for cheap matching rings when you don’t have a friend who’s a blacksmith…

  4. ashrebg

    Haha, that’s hilarious/super-cool! I would be ok with silly rings, as long as it was the kind of thing I wouldn’t mind wearing all the time (comfortable enough, not super-duper-uber tacky, etc.).

    I am not determined to be the proposer, but I almost feel like I should because because I’d want him to be ok with that. And if he wasn’t ok with it, well, then I’d have to make a retraction. Being ok with women proposing is definitely as a husband requirement.

    Which makes me wonder if I should start filtering men out by asking them on dates… it has worked for a decent filter in the past, at least. ;o)

  5. ashrebg

    should be because (sorry)

  6. Really creative ideas, Ashleigh! I quite enjoyed reading them. And thanks for the encouragement with the “blogging to help with a prospective job” stuff; it’s golden words of wisdom coming from a trusted grad like yourself. Hope all is well on the other side of the country! We miss you here. (Jennifer actually mentioned you in her talk tonight at IV; about your moment of epiphany with the Gospel. It was inspiring!)

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